A common symptom in Depression is the depletion of energy and lack of motivation to do things. Often, these are the things that are usually loved and enjoyed by a person. I have always suffered with mild depression but, in recent months, that has become more severe and troubling for me.
One of the significant ways in which this has manifested itself, is that I have recently been experiencing an immense wave of fatigue and loss of motivation. I find it extremely difficult to remain awake and function during the day. After even just an hour awake, I find that I am going back to bed because I am so exhausted. This is partly due to my conditions, but primarily the thoughts going through my head (to be elaborated on in a future post) and the amount of energy it takes to do even the simplest tasks. These include things such as getting dressed, brushing my teeth, remembering to take my medication, remembering to eat, etc… All these tiny tasks, that most people wouldn’t think twice about doing, require me to push through all that I’m feeling and act as if I can function like everybody else. Though this seems like the smallest and most insignificant thing, it takes every ounce of my energy.
Additionally, those that know me will more than likely know how much I love mathematics and take any chance possible to do it. To me, it is an art form and I take any chance I can to collect data and analyse it. However, I have recently been finding it extremely difficult to find the motivation to do the things I love, including maths. I haven’t had structure lately and that doesn’t help, but past-me would have gone to the table, gotten the laptop and revised. Present-me doesn’t have the strength to do this.
From an outside perspective, I can see how it looks like I am procrastinating and being lazy. From the inside, I know that anything that requires me to work a little harder (both mentally and physically) makes me drained by simply thinking about doing it. Some days, I can push through and get doing what I need to, though it isn’t easy. Other days, I can’t. I can’t walk my dog, I can’t do maths, I can’t eat, I can’t wash, I can’t do the straightforward tasks that everybody else does automatically. It is extremely frustrating for me. That is real reason I have been posting much less-frequently in the past several months.
I know I will get there, and please don’t take this as a sympathy post. I realise and understand that so many other people, like me, are suffering from depression. As with most mental health topics, it is often avoided in conversation and misrepresented. I feel that I have to do my part to raise awareness and gain acceptance – this is my first step...